The Beauty of Differences
After a week of service in Toraja with 39 other students, our youngest finally came home today. My husband and I picked her up at Terminal 2D. She looked radiant, chatty, full of stories. No sign of exhaustion, even though the week must have been packed with activities. One of her stories made me chuckle: she got carsick and threw up because the driver was speeding through bad roads right after she had stuffed herself with food.
But then, just like flipping a switch, she was all fired up again telling us how she trained her high school friends there on making a business model. She even used her daddy’s story about Tiket versus Traveloka. Not to mention that she still have editing project to be done later. This kid, I tell you, she seems to have a battery pack that never runs out.
On the way home, she begged for a haircut. Honestly, the first thing we noticed at the airport was her very long hair. I mean, she’s a girl, so that’s normal, but still... she looked more like she had been away for a year, not a week. So, straight to the salon we went.
As usual, only she went in, while my husband and I waited in the café nearby. I love that café because it’s completely smoke-free. The food and drinks are just okay, but they have Uno and Uno Stacking on the shelves, which always feels like a thoughtful little gift for customers.
By the time we finally reached home, I was wiped out. I took a long nap, the kind where you wake up wondering what century you’re in. But I had to get ready quickly because we had a DATE. Not the romantic kind, but the community kind. This one was at a function hall with Pak Ong and the BSD crowd.
It was a bit confusing at first because there were two rooms filled with what looked like church groups. Luckily, I spotted Pak Ong and walked into the right one. Immediately, he and his wife welcomed us warmly, offering food like old friends do. I grabbed nasi cumi, my husband proudly contributed J.Co donuts, and soon enough, the table was overflowing with good things. I should have known that “DATE” here comes with a buffet as a love language 😄
There were eight more participants (12 in total), plus three bonus kids: one from another family, our eldest, and her good friend who initially just dropped by to say goodbye before going back to Japan but ended up eating too (Pak Ong’s wife clearly has a gift for hospitality).
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| Mandatory wefie after DATE |
After almost food coma, came the reflection time. Pak Ong shared about how we are all part of one body in a community, each unique and designed to complement one another. Drawing from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, he highlighted the power of synergy. How differences don’t have to divide, but can multiply our impact when handled with humility.
That’s when something clicked for me.
Because if I’m honest, sometimes differences could annoy me (well, who wouldn't?). I like harmony. I like people who think like me, talk like me, and most importantly, clean up the kitchen like me. But then again, life would be painfully boring if everyone did everything like me.
Take my marriage, for example. My husband's MBTI is an INTP. I’m an INFJ. Which basically means I spend half my life trying to interpret feelings, and he spends half his life trying to interpret logic. For me, conversations are about connection; for him, they’re about precision.
I’m the type who makes to do list of everything. He, on the other hand, can happily live in his head forever, running simulations of ideas that may never leave the launchpad. I dream of structured impact; he dreams of building a utopia in theory first.
Even our energy is different. I can sense the emotional temperature in a room within seconds, while he sometimes needs subtitles to catch the mood. Meanwhile, when I’m drowning in feelings, he reminds me the world is not ending; it just looks that way because I’m zoomed in too much. And when he gets stuck in analysis paralysis, I pull him out by saying, “Okay, enough theory. Let’s actually do something.”
Without him, I’d be an exhausted perfectionist. Without me, he’d still be deciding which version of his idea to even start with. Together, we somehow make it work.
Research actually backs this up. According to a 2019 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, diverse groups tend to outperform homogenous ones in problem-solving tasks. Why? Because each person brings a different “mental toolbox” to the table. The study concluded that intellectual friction, when managed respectfully, creates better solutions than intellectual harmony.
And it’s not just in theory. Companies like Google and Pixar have long credited their success to encouraging diverse voices and even structured disagreement. Pixar, for example, has something called the “Braintrust,” where directors invite blunt, often conflicting feedback from colleagues. It’s not always comfortable, but it has produced some of the most beloved animated films of our time.
A Harvard Business Review article in 2016 found that teams with a mix of genders, ages, and cultural backgrounds were more innovative than uniform ones. But there was a catch: these benefits only showed up in environments with psychological safety, where people felt free to speak without fear of ridicule. In other words, differences only become strengths if we stop trying to “fix” each other and instead create space for everyone to bring their authentic selves.
Easier said than done, of course. Sometimes differences feel more like obstacles than gifts. They slow us down. They frustrate us. They highlight the very things we’re insecure about. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe differences are there to stretch us, to grow us beyond our comfort zones.
I was reminded of C.S. Lewis, who once wrote, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too?’” I’d like to add: community is strengthened at that moment when we say, “Oh, you’re different? Teach me.”
So how do we deal with differences without losing our minds? A few things I’ve learned:
Assume good intentions. Most people aren’t out to annoy you; they’re just wired differently.
Find the gift in the gap. If someone sees what you don’t, that’s not a threat; it’s coverage.
Laugh often. Humor disarms conflict and makes differences less intimidating.
Pick your battles. Not every difference needs to be discussed, debated, or fixed. Some things are better left in the “quirky but harmless” folder.
Create safe spaces. Like the Harvard research showed, differences only work when people feel heard and respected. Michelle Obama refers her safe space as a "kitchen table", where she invites trusted friends to hear and be heard safely.
Walking out of DATE tonight, I felt unusually light. Not just from the good food (although, let’s be honest, that helped), but from the reminder that being part of a community means carrying both similarities and differences with grace.
I used to think harmony meant sameness. Now I think harmony is more like jazz: different notes, different rhythms, sometimes even clashing sounds, but when put together with respect, they create something richer than any solo performance could.
So the next time you bump into a difference, be it at home, at work, or in your community, pause before you roll your eyes. Take a deep breath, and instead of asking, “Why can’t they be more like me?” try asking, “What can I learn from this?”
You might discover that the very thing you find irritating today is the thing that shapes you tomorrow.
Cheers,
Nuniek Tirta
