Sunday, 14 September 2025
I don’t know if this happens to you too, but sometimes my days feel like a long grocery receipt filled with random items that don’t seem to belong together. Like today: I went to church, had communion, heard a sermon about distinguishing hurt from harm (profound, right?), then later found myself eating pork knuckle while listening to live saxophone in a food court. By evening, I was hunting down half-cooked kue cubit on ShopeeFood, and because that wasn’t enough, I threw in a 50% off Sate Padang for good measure. Somewhere in between all that, I also watched a hilariously awkward Filipino movie called Kontrabida Academy. See what I mean? Grocery receipt.
But out of all those bits, what stuck with me wasn’t the pork belly or the kue cubit (though trust me, they were memorable). It was the sermon by Pastor Sidney Mohede: the difference between hurt and harm.
I think many of us confuse the two. I know sometimes I still do.
When something hurts, our instinct is to avoid it. Nobody wakes up saying, “Yes, I’d love to be criticized today,” or “Please, bring on the rejection!” Hurt stings, and it makes us want to retreat into our soft blanket of comfort shows and snacks. But here’s the catch: not all hurt is bad. In fact, some hurts are necessary, even healthy.
Take exercise, for instance. If I try squats after weeks of avoiding movement (unless walking to the fridge counts), my muscles hurt. But that soreness isn’t damage; it’s growth. Or think about feedback. When a trusted friend tells me a truth I’d rather not hear, it bruises my ego, but it builds my character.
Psychologists call this stress inoculation. Hans Selye, the endocrinologist who studied stress responses, explained that a moderate amount of stress (and yes, even pain) can build resilience. Richard Lazarus added that how we interpret stress matters even more than the stress itself. A painful but constructive experience (like a teacher’s tough critique or learning from a failed attempt) can stretch us into becoming stronger, wiser humans. That’s hurt. It shapes us.
Harm, on the other hand, is different. Harm is destructive. Harm is manipulation, abuse, exploitation. Harm is when a workplace crosses the line into toxic territory, or when someone uses words not to sharpen us but to shatter us. Harm leaves scars that don’t strengthen; they weaken. While hurt often comes wrapped in love or growth, harm comes wrapped in violation.
The trouble is, when we’re in the moment, it’s hard to tell the difference. And because hurt and harm both feel uncomfortable, it’s tempting to run from both. But if we run from every hurt as though it were harm, we also run from growth, love, and purpose.
Brené Brown puts it beautifully: “We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both.” Choosing courage often means embracing hurt: risking failure, facing criticism, admitting weakness. But it should never mean tolerating harm. Enduring harm isn’t noble; it’s destructive.
So how do we tell the difference?
I’ve been thinking about this, and here’s a simple framework I’m trying to use:
What’s the intent?
Hurt often comes from love or a desire to help us grow; it comes with intention for our own good. For example: when a mentor gives tough feedback, or a doctor prescribes a painful treatment.
Harm rarely cares about your good; it usually serves someone else’s power or control.
For example: when someone insults you just to make themselves feel superior.What’s the outcome?
Hurt leaves us stronger afterward. Muscles grow, character deepens, relationships mature.
Harm leaves us drained or broken. We feel smaller, weaker, silenced.Can it be talked through?
Hurt can usually be resolved and even deepen connection.
Harm resists the light and thrives in silence. It doesn’t want to be confronted.
In short:
Hurt is the ache of growth, the discomfort that stretches us beyond what feels safe.
Harm is the wound that diminishes, silences, or destroys.
And how we respond depends entirely on knowing which one we’re dealing with. Because if we can name it, we can choose our response. If it’s hurt, we can lean in, learn, and let it grow us. If it’s harm, we can set boundaries, speak up, or walk away.
It sounds neat in theory, but I’ll admit it’s still messy in real life. Sometimes feedback really is harsh and unnecessary. Sometimes people disguise harm as “just being honest.” Sometimes even growth feels unbearable. But I guess part of being an adult (ugh) is learning to sit in that tension and discern which is which.
And maybe that’s the invitation for me, and for you. To not shy away from hurt, because hurt is often the price tag of becoming. But also to not normalize harm, because enduring harm doesn’t make you noble; it makes you wounded. And nobody deserves to stay in that place.
So here’s my call to action tonight: take inventory. Think back on something that’s been bothering you lately. Ask yourself, Is this hurt or is this harm? If it’s hurt, maybe it’s worth leaning into, even though it stings, letting it stretch you into a stronger version of yourself. If it’s harm, maybe it’s time to speak up, set boundaries, or walk away and refuse to carry it any longer.
Because life will give us plenty of both. But how we respond, that’s where we reclaim our power, and our growth.