Less Fighting, More Understanding
Sunday mornings have this magical way of stretching out slowly, like they don’t want to end. This morning was one of those slow mornings, the kind where the house hums gently, everyone moves at their own pace, and there’s no rush to do anything other than exist. We had plans to go to church, but of course, life had its own little lesson in patience: the War Ticket frenzy. Thousands of people rushing online just to get a spot for worship every week; it’s kind of insane when you think about it. Praise the Lord indeed for the technology that lets us all battle for our pews without elbowing anyone physically.
After church, we went for a late lunch, and that’s when I discovered MOKKA tucked away in a corner of the mall. I’ve walked past this mall so many times, but I never noticed it before. It’s funny how sometimes good things are hiding in plain sight, waiting for someone else to point them out. The restaurant was quiet compared to the line at Lekko just down the hall. And while MOKKA’s food is just as good, nobody seemed to notice. They should put more signs with the right position to attract more people.
While having lunch, the four of us chatted about everything from strategies for staying “low” to the ups and downs of our stock portfolios. We laughed at little wins and minor frustrations, teased each other about silly habits, and shared random thoughts that probably didn’t matter to anyone else. It was easy, playful, and real. The kind of conversation that makes ordinary afternoons feel unexpectedly full.
Then came the highlight of our afternoon: Cobain Date Yuk. We gathered with three couples, sharing personal fun facts prompted by cards from the church's app. One question landed on me: How do I express my emotions?
I laughed at my own answer. I used to be explosive, the kind of person who would just “darderdor” when upset, but with zero grudges afterward. My husband, on the other hand, is the opposite: quiet, implosive, internalizing until it finally exploded. And as I’ve learned, that implosion can be far more dangerous than an outburst.
This brought me back to my graduate studies and my research on anger management. I remember reading Gary Chapman’s book titled Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way. He emphasized that the key isn’t suppressing anger or letting it explode but expressing it assertively. That means communicating our feelings clearly, pointing out the behavior that hurt us (NOT attacking the person) and expressing our expectations. It’s as much about timing as tone.
Timing, in particular, was my biggest struggle. My Judging personality wants problems resolved immediately. No sleep until it’s fixed, thank you very much. My Perceiving husband prefers a gentler, later approach: let’s talk tomorrow or after dinner. You can imagine the fireworks the first few years. I used to literally wake him up from sleep just to talk about something that upset me. Predictably, it never ended well.
Our mentor suggested a simple yet revolutionary solution: agree on when to discuss the issue. Just knowing there is a scheduled time to address the conflict allows both of us to prepare, both emotionally and mentally. It was a small change with a big effect. I could sleep at night knowing our issue wasn’t ignored, and he could collect his thoughts without being ambushed. It was win-win.
The result? After years of experimenting, failing, and learning, our arguments are now rare. The tension that once simmered constantly has melted into understanding and trust. We’ve learned to respect our different approaches to emotion. Recognizing that someone’s difference isn’t wrong (well, it’s just different) can transform conflict into connection. I’ve actually written all these marriage lessons in my book The Real Marriage Life, so if you want a deeper dive into how we navigated the ups and downs, it’s all there.
The funny thing is, this all started with simple self-awareness. Knowing my MBTI as an INFJ, prone to needing closure and clarity, helped me see why I reacted the way I did. Understanding my husband’s tendencies as INTP gave me patience and empathy. It’s like we had two languages for expressing frustration, and it took a while to learn to translate them. Once we did, our marriage became less about winning arguments and more about navigating life together.
Here’s something I often tell myself: “Differences are not threats; they are invitations.” An invitation to practice patience, creativity, and deeper understanding. If you approach life this way, every relationship becomes a little laboratory for growth. It’s not always easy. Sometimes I still want to solve things immediately, and sometimes he still needs a little extra space. But knowing that our intentions are aligned makes those moments manageable.
If there’s one takeaway I hope to pass on, it’s that learning to marry your differences (or in general, the differences of those you love) is worth every bit of effort. Life doesn’t give us a manual, and love doesn’t come pre-packaged with instructions. But through research, reflection, and sometimes trial-and-error, we can find ways to communicate better, understand deeper, and love more fully.
In his book The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck wrote, “Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole.” I like to think that applies perfectly here. We can choose to approach conflict with love, patience, and understanding. It’s a conscious practice, not a fleeting emotion.
Pay attention to how you handle differences, whether with your partner, family, or colleagues. Notice the patterns of your emotions. Ask yourself if your way of reacting is solving anything, or just feeding the problem. Then experiment with empathy, timing, and assertive expression. Schedule your difficult conversations. Plan your pauses. And most importantly, give yourself grace when it doesn’t work perfectly the first time.
Marriage, friendship, work relationships... they are all microcosms of life itself. They ask us to grow, to stretch, and to find balance between our desires and the reality of others. If you can learn this skill once, you can apply it everywhere.
Differences are inevitable. Conflict is inevitable. But choosing love, timing, and understanding? That’s optional. And that option is the one worth taking.
Keep loving,
Nuniek Tirta
