Wednesday, 10 September 2025
Today I finally picked up the last of my things from Vintage Vibes, while also dropping off some items my daughter entrusted me with. A bit of an errand run, but with a nice twist: I got to sneak in another “date” with my husband over a bowl of soto tangkar in The Broadway. Yes, we still call it dating, even after all these years. Don’t take that away from me; it’s one of the secrets to keeping marriage alive.
Last night’s “date” was mostly us focusing on the food. Today, though, since only I was eating, we ended up talking more. Somewhere between spoonfuls, I told him something that even surprised me: ever since we stopped having a house helper and an admin, my life actually feels lighter. Not lighter because we’re spending less money on salaries. Lighter because I’m no longer drowning in the endless stream of small, repetitive decisions that used to flood my days. For the first time in years, I feel free from decision fatigue.
Here’s the thing: decision fatigue is real. Psychologist Roy Baumeister coined the term, describing how the quality of our decisions deteriorates after a long session of decision making. Studies show that our brains have a limited pool of mental energy each day. Every choice, big or small, chips away at that energy. The effects are sneaky. You don’t always notice until you find yourself oddly irritated at small things. It explains why, after a long day of running a household and making choices at work, you might end up snapping at your partner over something as trivial as which Netflix show to watch. Or why some nights, the only thing you can manage is scrolling on your phone, avoiding decisions altogether.
Looking back, that’s exactly what was happening to me. Having staff in the house looked convenient on the outside, but in reality, I was the central “server” they always deferred to.
What’s for grocery shop list?
Which detergent brand to buy?
How should this gift be wrapped?
Should we get the blue or the pink one?
How much we should donate for independence day celebration?
Should I set the schedule for installing sun-blasts this week or next?
Which insurance brand is best for our Europe trip?
And once I pick a brand, which policy type do I choose?
How much should I allocate in the renovation budget for the leaky South Jakarta house?
What’s the right price tag for my preloved items; too low or too high?
Is now the right time to arrange driving lessons for my kid?
The list goes on and on and on. It was endless. It was exhausting. My brain never got to rest.
Decision fatigue doesn’t just make you tired. It clouds judgment, fuels irritability, and even impacts mental health. When you’re constantly making choices for others, your own needs get pushed aside. You start operating on autopilot, and resentment creeps in quietly. You feel heavy, but you can’t pinpoint why. I realized what drained me wasn’t the chores. It was being the bottleneck for decisions. It was being the one person everyone leaned on, for everything. When that shifted, the heaviness lifted.
Now, things are different. Without that middle layer of “helpers,” the flow of responsibility naturally shifted. Household tasks are shared among my husband, my kids, and me. These technology help a lot too: robot mop, dishwasher, slow cooker, egg boiler, oven & air fryer. But the biggest relief? Everyone is making their own decisions. My husband doesn’t ask me about every detail. My kids decide and take ownership. That independence gives me space to breathe.
Have you ever been around someone who can’t decide anything without asking for validation? It’s exhausting. I once had a guy like that pursuing me. On paper, he had my criteria to be the one: smart, mature, eldest son. But every time we went out, I had to decide everything. Where to eat, what to order, which seats we should sit, and... hold it... which menu HE should pick. I mean, come on! By the third outing, I wasn’t flattered. I was drained. I remember thinking: if you can’t lead yourself, how will you ever lead a family? Needless to say, that “screening process” ended quickly. Bye.
That’s the thing: constantly leaning on someone else for decisions doesn’t only wear them out, it also stunts your own growth. Learning to decide and take responsibility for the outcomes is part of becoming a whole person.
Psychologist Barry Schwartz, in his book The Paradox of Choice, explains how too many choices can paralyze us. The irony is that while freedom is wonderful, unfiltered choice can overwhelm and drain us. That’s what I was living through: not freedom, but constant choice overload.
So how do we deal with decision fatigue in daily life? Here are a few things I’ve learned and tried:
Automate the routine. Have go-to meals, a standard grocery list, a simple wardrobe. The fewer trivial decisions you make, the more energy you preserve. Think Steve Jobs with his black turtlenecks.
Share responsibility. Stop being the “chief decider” for everyone else. Encourage your spouse, kids, or colleagues to own their decisions. They’ll grow, and you’ll breathe easier.
Set boundaries. It’s okay to say, “You decide.” Or even, “I don’t need to have an opinion on that.” Not every hill needs your flag planted.
Rest your brain. Sleep, exercise, and even mindful breaks replenish your decision-making energy. A tired brain makes poor choices.
Prioritize big decisions. Tackle important choices early in the day when your mental energy is still fresh. Leave the trivial ones for later or delegate them.
Ever since I started practicing these, I’ve noticed my mood is steadier, my patience longer, and my mind clearer. Most importantly, I no longer resent the people around me. I’m proud of my husband and kids for making their own calls. I’m proud of myself for letting go of control.
M. Scott Peck once wrote in The Road Less Traveled: “Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.” That resonates so deeply now. Making decisions for myself, and letting others make theirs, is a way of valuing both myself and my time.
Lightness doesn’t necessarily come from having more help. Sometimes, it comes from everyone around you stepping up, making their own decisions, and sharing the weight of responsibility.
And here’s my challenge for you: notice where decision fatigue shows up in your life. Maybe it’s choosing meals every day. Maybe it’s answering endless “what should I do?” questions at work. This week, pick one area where you can simplify, automate, or delegate. Then watch how much lighter you feel.
Because lightness isn’t the absence of work.
It’s the freedom to spend your energy where it truly matters.
Feel lighter,
Nuniek Tirta
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