Why Do Siblings Fight (and How Do They Finally Stop)?

A reflection on how sibling rivalry transforms into lifelong friendship.

 

Maybe peace among siblings doesn’t come from parenting manuals, but it comes from patience, perspective, and knowing when to step out of their way." — Nuniek Tirta Sari

My husband and I went to a campus open day with my youngest, had an early lunch with her, and while she practiced for a stage performance, we sneaked off to the mall for some grown-up time.

We ended up hunting “broken sizes” at Uniqlo; that magical rack where treasures appear if you’re lucky. And I was. Found the last top bra in my favorite color. Just one piece left, as if they had reserved it for me.

Then we tried Popeyes, which apparently reinvented into a Kyochon-style fried chicken restaurant. Turns out it was surprisingly good. So good I immediately declared, “We’re bringing the kids here next time!”

To wrap up our mall date, we watched Keanu Reeves’ new movie Good Fortune. I’ll be honest: it was a bit cheesy. Okay, very cheesy. But somehow it carried sweet moral lesson: that true happiness isn’t found in wealth or luck, but in gratitude, empathy, and the way we connect with others.

At night, we had dinner as a family, the four of us, talking about the girls’ future plans, their dream campuses, and new projects they’re building together.

See, my daughters (now 17 and 19) have been working on a small collaboration. The youngest creates products, the oldest designs the illustrations for her branding. They brainstorm, support, and cheer each other on like they’re best friends. Watching them work side by side makes my heart full every single time. Because honestly, it wasn’t always like this. 

When they were little, everything was a competition. They even fought over a piece of plastic trash, literally. Every small thing could turn into a civil war. But to be fair, they stopped fighting quite early. As far as I remember, the rivalry had already faded by the time they were in elementary. Looking back, I think most of their arguments happened when they were still toddlers and couldn’t express themselves well with words.

My cute little babieesss <3

I used to wonder if sibling rivalry ever truly ends; or if parents just get better at pretending it doesn’t bother them. But looking at them now, laughing and planning together, I realize it can end. Not magically, not overnight, but through slow, quiet shifts in how we, as parents, handle their differences.

Here’s what I’ve learned, not from a parenting book, but from trial, error, and a lot of deep breaths:

1. Don’t compare, even when you think it’s harmless.

It’s so tempting to say things like “Look at your sister, she’s so tidy.” But every time we do, we plant tiny seeds of resentment. Kids don’t hear motivation; they hear you love her more.

2. Let them be different.

One of my girls is very structured and analytical. The other is moody and spontaneous. When I stopped trying to “balance” them and instead celebrated their differences, they stopped trying to outdo each other.

3. Let them solve small fights on their own.

Unless someone’s bleeding, I learned to stay out of their little arguments. It’s hard, especially for moms who want peace 24/7. But I tell you, conflict teaches boundaries. Let them solve it by themselves. 

4. Build team moments.

Instead of saying “help your sister,” I’d say “you two work together.” From chores to fun projects, giving them shared goals helped them see each other as teammates, not rivals. 

5. Apologize when you mess up.

Because sometimes we do play favorites without realizing it. I’ve said sorry more than once, and I think seeing a parent own up to mistakes taught them it’s okay to do the same with each other.

Learning about the MBTI instrument also helped us so much! It made us understand our daughters’ personalities on a deeper level, and that understanding changed the way we parented them ever since. Over time, the rivalry melted into respect. The teasing turned into inside jokes. The competition turned into collaboration.

Now, when I watch them brainstorm at the dinner table, creating sketches and branding ideas, I realize this is what we all want as parents: to see our children not just coexist, but genuinely like each other.

They don’t even remember most of their old fights. It’s as if all the childhood noise has faded into the background, replaced by laughter, shared Spotify playlists, and dreams they actually root for together.

I guess peace between siblings doesn’t come from parenting strategies or family meetings. It comes from time, patience, and the freedom to grow into their own people.

As for me, I’ll take days like this anytime. A simple mall outing that ends with Uniqlo sale shopping, chicken wings, a cheesy Keanu Reeves movie, and the realization that my kids actually get along.

And maybe that’s what gratitude really means: not just being thankful for what you have, but realizing that the small, ordinary things you once wished for are finally happening quietly, right in front of you.

Saturday, 19 October 2025

Nuniek Tirta Sari